Finding My Way Back.....

The pandemic and blindness go together like air and fire.....it is fueling my hermit behavior. I do not need to think of reasons why I do not want to go out in public settings or be around people. I have burrowed under COVID-19 like a comfortable weighted blanket. I did everything right; I have social distanced, wear masks and got my vaccination but most importantly I took my States mandate of stay at home to heart.

I stayed at home, getting more at ease and relaxed hearing my own voice, closing up my world to the outside world; living in peace with my familiar noises, my loving Roxy and the cool, loving darkness in my house. I felt safe and secure. NO more panic attacks, no more deep bouts of depression. I became happy in a pandemic? What is wrong with me? My white canes were collecting dust on the hooks they were hanging on and Roxy's harness leather was getting hard from non use and no longer that beautiful buttery texture haptic sensation I got used to in my hands.

The pandemic let me be by myself and live in silence and quiet.

Fast forward to when life was opening up; my husband craved social interaction to get out again and I was in dread. I no longer had my safe excuse to keep in my cocoon. The panic attacks and depression came back. The sensory overload I have forgotten hit me hard like a wave drowning me. The people all around talking, laughing and maskless scared me.

I know that my vision loss I have become more reclusive and a home body and I do not think I am alone in that within the blind community. The pandemic shut down a lot for us, any connections face to face made in support groups shut down, any attempts of finding independence with traveling, shut down, the anxiety of getting sick and having to live with another disease; made it easy to shut down any social interaction for me.

But I need to uncover this "comfort"; I was always scared of sensory overload, scared of people, scared of learning to try to be independent, scared of forcing myself out of my comfort zone. I am working on it, doing baby steps. Going to parks out in the open air; dusting off my OEM skills with the cane and Roxy not missing a beat on the harness.

I am working again (remotely) but using Zoom to have conversations with peers and coworkers and trying to rebuild social skills I have lost. It is slow progression but I am trying.

The pandemic is horrible and people are dying everyday....it is not a cloak to use as an excuse for my social anxiety and I am ashamed that I am using it in that matter. I am calling myself out and making myself accountable.

The pandemic is like air to my fire but I have chosen to extinguish it with lukewarm attempts but it is something and I count everything as a win. Eventually I will be strong enough to not feel like this anymore; but until that day....let's go outside to a park, six feet apart in a mask and talk to people.